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Opinion: Not All Pizza is Created Equally

From Kevin McCalister and Joey Tribiani to Mel Brooks’ Pizza the Hut and the Teenage Mutant Ninja turtles, pizza is one of the nation's favorite foods. In fact, a survey from a few years ago put it top with 21 percent of respondents saying they would choose pizza if they could only eat one food for the rest of their lives.

But not all pizza is created equally. Not even close. You can splatter Prego on defrosted dough and scatter over pre-shredded mozzarella, but you still don’t have a pizza. Call it whatever you like, but it ain’t pizza.

And before we drill down into pizza in our valley, a quick note about the best pizza in the world: that’s Joe’s Pizza on East 14th Street in Manhattan. And while we’re at it, it’s worth mentioning that Wayfinder stands in solidarity with John Stewart and his now legendary rant about how deep dish pizza isn’t pizza: “It’s a casserole.”

When I look at your deep dish f**kin' pizza, I don't know whether to eat it or throw a coin in it and make a wish. And if I made a wish, it would be that I'd wish for some real f**kin' pizza." - John Stewart

And don’t even get us started on that disgusting fruit-cocktail-topped monstrosity, the Hawaiian pizza.

We have some good options for pizza in our valley, however, from Neopolitan- and Detroit-style to the more run of the mill kind. When it comes to toppings there is more room for debate (apart from fruit). You have your classics, like the simple Margherita, meat-driven pizzas with pepperoni and sausage (or salisica if you want to be fancy; and men, don’t feel as if you have to always order the “meat feast” or any variation thereof) and more Italian-sounding versions with olives, artichokes and the like.

Pushing the envelope, or perhaps just adding a touch of Americana, other pizzas that can be found on menus around the valley include buffalo and barbecue chicken as well as green chile. And on the other end of the scale to the classic pizzas you can find the likes of lasagna pizza, which is more odd than bad.

Then there is … this. There is a place … somewhere ... that will allow you to create, if you were deranged enough to do so, a pizza with Thousand Island dressing as the sauce and lettuce, sauerkraut, and tortilla chips as the toppings. To be clear, this unnamed eatery doesn’t offer this as a pizza as such, and it is likely that this particular combination has never been ordered, but the fact it is possible to create this abomination should keep you up at night. Yes, I’d eat it but only if I were minutes from death and there were no putrid, rotting animal carcasses around.

Oh, and “pizza bones” are not a thing, eat the crusts like an adult. Dip them in something - ranch is good, hot honey is better - if you insist, but eat them you should.

When it comes to pizza in our valley, let’s just say we have plenty of places that out pizza the hut.

Have your own thoughts on pizza? Have a favorite place in the valley? Think you can find a worse combo of sauce and toppings thanus? Tag us on Instagram and Facebook and let us know.


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